Shackles Called Shame

Sometimes I wonder if shame is outside my back door doing pushups, ready to pounce when I open the door. Waiting to hold me down and shackle me as a prisoner who cannot move or even speak.

Of the negative emotions I have ever felt, shame is by far the most powerful. Yesterday my lack of timely communication caused a rift in one of my relationships. When I admitted how I had screwed up, I fell silent. I sat in discomfort from the reaction I received, which was merited.  I had disappointed and irritated someone who means the world to me and there was not much I could do to make it right. My modus operandi is to explain my behavior away, to detail my excuses, to make a joke – whatever it takes to lighten the grip of these shackles called shame.

No excuse felt worthy. No explanation or joke seemed fair. I had screwed up. As I drove in silence, my thoughts joined a fun, little game called, “How Much Does Lynn Suck?”

In this game, all of my character defects dance across the stage of my mind, accompanied by old tapes that shame keeps on her thumb drive when she decides to be especially injurious:

“You did it again… just like last month when you let So-And-So down.”

“This is why So-and-So didn’t love you.”

“So-and-so left because you couldn’t get your life together.”

“Why wouldn’t you take the time to consider how this was going to affect someone else?”

“You’re so … selfish

      ADD

           Thoughtless

                   Stupid

                            Hopeless”

“You’ll never change.”

As the day grew longer, I could feel myself start to fight against the shackles. I was rising up, ever so slowly. For one, these accusatory tapes that infiltrated my thoughts had to be silenced or I would be stuck for God-knows-how-long in self-loathing and pity.

I hate that I hurt/irritated/angered someone who means so much to me, and I apologized for my carelessness. Yet, if I was going to step out of this and have any chance at restoration in myself and in my relationship, I had to forgive myself. I had to forgive myself not only for messing up, but for letting fear rule me. John Milton once said, “Where shame is, there is also fear.” Ultimately, the old tapes that played in my mind were rooted in fear. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of being abandoned.

Years ago I read John Bradshaw’s book, Healing the Shame That Binds You. This quote stuck out to me back then and it resonates with me now,

“To truly be committed to a life of honesty, love and discipline, we must be willing to commit ourselves to reality.”

The reality in my life is that I am going to make mistakes and I am going to disappoint people I care about.  But you know what else is reality? That I am committed to living a life of honesty, love and (sometimes) discipline within that reality. The truth is, I love deeply, and when I give into fear,  I am cheating myself and others of that love. I stay me-focused instead of others-focused. I waste energy fighting for my image and warring against judgment. I wrestle with the uncomfortable feelings rather than sitting with them and accepting them for what they are.

I don’t want to waste that energy any longer. So in surrendering to reality tonight, I spent some time reading and thinking of things that filled my mind with:

Wholeness

Hope

Grace

Peace

Integrity

and most of all – Love – because love contains the key to loosen the shackles called shame.

 

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Categories: Uncategorized | 3 Comments

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3 thoughts on “Shackles Called Shame

  1. Amy

    Fear is behind so much in my life…shame, anger, dishonesty. Naming those feelings is an important step to not being ruled by them.

  2. Mary Alice

    Several months back, I decided to work at using words both in my head and aloud to others that aren’t excuses, words that state the truth, words that say , “I was wrong,” words that don’t leave room for shame or excuses. It’s a great plan and it works when I remember to do it, when I stop and think.

    What started it was my being ridiculously late for an appointment. I felt flustered, ashamed, afraid of how I would be treated, worried whether or not I would be required to pay for the missed appointment. But I sucked it up and promised myself I would handle it bravely (ya’ know, big girl panties)! So wakes up and said, “Hi, I’m very late, can I still be seen?) I was told no, that I would have to reschedule. I got out my calendar, rescheduled and then said, “Is there a charge for today?” Thankfully, there wasn’t. Then the receptionist asked if I would like to be called if there was a cancellation. I said yes and thank you and was out the door shame free; no grovelling or excuses needed. My step was lighter and my head held high.

    I’ve been trying to remember that lesson. It was a really good one.

    • lynnhouse

      Way to be a big girl. I know it’s hard. I don’t understand how some people adult so well while the others of us have so much trouble. We have to remember we have other strengths though. Right?!

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