If you received a post from me last week by the same title, I apologize. I thought I was scheduling the post for a later date.
Here’s what I started to say.
I have a self-worth issue.
Sometimes. Most of the time. There are times when I realize that I am worthy of love. And times I feel confident and assured in my significance. But often I go around wondering why someone would want to invest in me. Invest their time. Their energy. Their friendship.
It’s not that I think I’m a bad person. Nor am I seeking attention in saying this. You don’t need to write me and tell me I am worthy to be loved. On some level I know that. But deep down, somewhere in my core beliefs, I struggle with knowing my worth – especially when people love me well.
About Me But Not About Me
For example, I am involved in a women’s prayer group that meets periodically. It’s unlike any other I’ve been in. I don’t hang out with these women socially, although I would welcome that. And we don’t have a set time that we meet. It just happens. One of the women texts with the time and place, and 7 or 8 of us meet in one of the woman’s home.
We pray for whatever is on our minds and hearts. The only problem is that I am what is on their minds and hearts lately. The last two times I’ve gone, one of the women said she feels like God wants more for me, like I’m in a cave and God is calling me out of it. Like He wants me to break out of that place because He has so much more for me. I was uncomfortable being the center of attention, but when my friends prayed I realized it wasn’t really about me; it was about what God wants to do in me and through them. And it was beautiful and heartwrenching and cleansing.
On the way to the next gathering, I told God I didn’t want this one to be about me. “I’m good, God. Really. I’ve had some peace about the divorce and I am healing.” He was silent so I kept talking. “I think it’s time we focus on Sally (not her real name). I know she’s been struggling.” I’m pretty sure God said okay because I walked into my friend’s house knowing I wasn’t going to be in the hot seat this time.
Except that I was. Not at first. At first the prayers were kind of neutral. Like “Thank you God for our time together.” And “God, help me be more patient with my children.” It was all good. Until my friend spoke up. Yeah, the same friend. The one who thought I was in a cave. Before she could finish saying that she thought I needed prayer, I told her – told all the lovely women – that I was fine. Really.
They didn’t believe me. So they prayed for me again. And this time I actually sobbed to the point of heaving. It wasn’t pretty, I tell you. But when they finished, there was a peace in my body, in the way I breathed the air, and in the silence of that room, that I have never experienced before. And I felt worth it. I knew I was worth it. Once I stopped fighting with God about making this about Sally and not me, I relaxed into the process and into His arms and I received all the love that He had been trying to give me for so long. I received the love that He was pouring out through my friends and onto me.
A Loving Confrontation
A few days ago another friend loved me so much that she was willing to confront me on a difficult issue. In her message she explained, “I’m willing to be truly broken and honest – maybe for the first time – because I value you so very much.” My eyes welled with tears at that statement. And at this one, “I am terrified of being rejected and losing any part of our friendship. I worry that this honesty may cause you to be hurt or cause you to drift away. But perhaps I’m more terrified to sabotage our friendship by the lack of honesty.”
Can you believe that? Can you imagine the courage it took my sweet friend to write such a thing? When we met a few days later, she told me she has other friends, but she said, “They are not you.” I feel the exact same way about her. And I explained that because she was fighting for our friendship, against all the thoughts I have that I am not really worth all that much, I KNEW that God’s love was real. Very real. And powerful. And did I say real?
I don’t know why God has given me such amazing people who have prayed for me and cried with me and fought for me over the years, but the more he showers me with the love of these friends, the more I realize I must be worth
something a lot!