I Want a Do-Over

My latest Facebook status said, “I want a do-over.”

I had started my day with a bike accident, which tragically ended with spilled coffee and grass stains on my new pants. Before that, I had computer issues and then I couldn’t find one of my black shoes that I just bought. Once I got to work, the rest of the day went smoothly, but I could have had a better start.

I thought about do-overs. About how many things in my life I would do over if I could.

Or would I?

Considering I’m getting a divorce, would I have married someone else if I had a do-over? The answer is no. I loved my husband. Still do in many ways. He gave me the four greatest gifts of life: my precious boys. Without him, there would be no Noah, no Eli, no Asher, no Jaden. How different my life would be. Without my husband, I wouldn’t have been forced to grow up and learn to stand on my own two feet. I would never have received the counseling or sage advice of therapists, friends and other people who came into my life as a result of our circumstances. While things are tense for now, I have many fond memories of our lives together from the onset of dating in college through the last few years, even as our relationship started to break down.

I think about some of the regrets I have, some of which are too painful to write, and I think yes, there are situations where I would definitely call for a do-over. Situations where I made stupid, immature choices. Situations where I hurt people deeply. Situations where I lost my temper or put myself first or had my priorities out of whack. Those are the times I would take a do-over .

But more often than not, I would leave life as it is. As I type that, I’m a bit surprised at myself. After all, I’m not big on pain. And there are several things in life that have caused me great pain. But if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that my life is not my own. I am not in control of most things… like when I’m riding one-handed, sipping coffee and my bag shifts its weight, causing me to lose control of my bike.

So if I had a way to call for a do-over, most of the time I wouldn’t take it – even when it means crashing on my bike. After I had gathered my belongings, wiped the tiny gravel from my hands and hopped back on my bike, I arrived at work with a story to tell. A story that generated lots of laughs and good-natured humor. And that’s something I could do over and over – bringing joy to others, even if it is at my expense.

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