The big ugly liar

Shame can be productive if I look at it square in the eyes. If I don’t stare it down, it wreaks havoc with its big, ugly lies. A friend of mine challenged me last night. He gave me a little exercise to write out to see if I could get to the root of some of these shame issues I’ve been having lately.

I want to run from shame. Move forward. Pretend it doesn’t exist. Act like everyone else in the world – normal. But as my kids have even claimed, sometimes I am the acting Mayor of Crazy Town. I believe I become mayor when I don’t deal with the lies I have sucked into my very self.

Today I am setting time aside to pray, meditate and write. I told my friend that I am tired of feeling like a punching bag… you know the kind kids get that are shaped like a clown or a villain. You punch them and they bounce back up at you with their evil smiles. I told him that I feel like I get punched and come back up to look at God, as if to say, “Okay, enough. I don’t want to go back down.” I told my friend I’m sicking of having to learn lessons through such painful means. I wish there was an easier way to grow spiritually, a way that didn’t require so much hurt. He walked to his car, and said, “That would take submission.”

Ouch. It’s true though. I let the big, ugly liar run free and rule my thoughts and decisions without really obeying God. I put myself on the throne and make my own little “happiness” decisions, only to snub my nose at God and then he allows the consequences to speak for themselves…. the consequences that wake me up and tell me that this is not what I have planned for you, my child.

It’s amazing how I can walk through life and not even know I am numb. I don’t realize that I have deadened parts of me that God wants to pull out of me. He wants me to be whole and alive, even more than I want it. I find comfort in knowing that He wants what is best for me even more than I do.

Today, I will do as my friend says because I believe that God used him, spoke through him and told me, as so many other friends have lately… wake up, get back up, don’t run around the shame, look at the messages, the lies, and ask God to fill those places with truth. Truth. The truth will set me free.

Thank you, my dear LORD, for all of those people that  you  have used to speak to me and get me to “Wake up… O Sleeper.” These are the people that are treasures in my life. I am so rich. So blessed.

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